Sometimes it is difficult to come up with a title. I feel like every letter from me to you has the same theme, “Random chaos / What the hell is going on?”
Some weeks ago, months now, actually, a most beloved male friend of mine who has long known of the struggles of my … relationship (I was going to call it romantic, but it wasn’t very. I thought to call it intimate, but it wasn’t very. Perhaps amorous? Not very. You may interject your own adjective.) said to me at the end of an outing, “I don’t want to make it weird, but when you get around to breaking up with him, let me know.”
Well, I don’t mind telling you, that set the flurries a-flying in the snow globe of my life. You see, I have always been rather in love with this particular fellow, and had no idea of there being any sort of reciprocation.
I was settling. I knew I was settling, but I thought it was okay to settle because what else did I have to do?
I asked a friend for advice. She said, “Do not turn your life upside down for a musician.” Solid advice, I’m sure. So I took it. I retained aspects of the idea of optimism in romantic affairs, but dismissed the idea of this fellow (who is, in fact, a musician, thus the relevance of the aforementioned advice) in particular and reviewed my situation anew.
What the hell is going on?
Ah, the ever unanswered question.
So, what am I meant to be doing with my life? Not sure. Where am I going? What is the point? Oh, who fucking knows!?! It was so much easier to j-dub my way through problems. If you look long enough, there is ALWAYS a Watchtower with a relevant rule. Then you just follow orders, brainlessly as you please, and think no more. Hooray!
Well, that doesn’t work for me anymore. So I sat with my own brain and tried to sort myself out. I am tremendously difficult to sort, as it happens.
Okay, so what is the bare minimum of the point of everything to me? (You may disagree, I will allow it. I’m merely reviewing my process for the sake of historically accurate documentation.) Love Jehovah your God with your whole heart, your whole soul, your whole spirit, your whole wallet, whatever. I don’t even remember how it goes anymore, can you believe it? And your neighbor as yourself.
Am I doing that?
I’m not doing anything with my whole anything because my self is shrinking into oblivion on account of the teeny tiny smallness of our life. AND I CAN’T STAND IT.
Well, it turns out God would like me to be a whole person, and I can’t say I disagree with Him.
I continued to wrestle with the idea for a minute, but ultimately decided a breakup was called for. On the day I had decided to have the conversation, I prayed and prayed that if this was the wrong choice, The Irishman would say something – anything – to let me know I needed to stay.
I said to him, “I’d like to discuss the state of our relationship.”
He said, “Yeah. It sucks.”
Then I said I didn’t think either of us needed to see it as a failure, but that we just didn’t really work very well togeth-
“Don’t talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you. If you’re leaving just leave.”
Second attempt at constructive conversation.
“If you’re leaving, just leave.”
Third attempt …
“Leave me alone! Just go if you’re going!”
Okay. So I guess that answers that.
I have a new apartment. It’s cute. My life is fun. I feel lighter and better and I might have accidentally gotten a new boyfriend two days later but I’m not sure and the thing is I really didn’t do it on purpose but it totally just happened and I have to leave for the airport right now to go pick him up so he can stay with me this weekend because we have no idea whether the chemistry is going to work or not because we haven’t seen each other for eight years and I am so nervous I do not know what the fuck to do with myself so here goes and wish me luck and all that and I do not know how these things happen to me.
I love you a super duper whole big bunch and you are one of my favorite things in life, which is a bigger compliment than it used to be because my life is way more awesome now with lots of totally cool stuff in it and I still put you straight up on the top shelf because you’re fabulous.